Where I Stand

I chose to remain silent through the chaos the last three months have brought to the 100 Monkeys fandom, because there are enough thoughts and opinions floating around to fill the Pacific Ocean without adding mine. The reality of this situation is this: not a single one of us feels the same way about what happened. We each have our own thoughts, emotions, theories, and heartaches. We have all heard different stories, watched blame be foisted on anyone and everyone imaginable, but not one of us truly knows every detail of what happened to lead us to where we are today.  The best  - and only - thing we can do is to decide where to go from here.

As I prepare to embark on my first show featuring members of the now defunct home we all once lived in, I believe it's time to tell you where I stand.

I stand precisely where I always have.

I stand with 100 Monkeys.  You know I love 100 Monkeys. I will always love them. I will love their music. I will love their members. And I will love the memories they gave me and the opportunities they will give me to make more.

What this means is really quite simple. When able, I will travel to see a live performance by any member of the band. Yes, I'm going to see the Ben's first. No, that does not mean that I like them better or that I am "taking their side." Or that I am solely a Pink Fuzzy Animal's fan now and hate the rest of the guys. I adore Uncle Larry, Jerad and Jackson. I will go see them perform again as soon as I am able. In fact, if they were the ones performing in Scottsdale next weekend, I'd be heading to their show and not Pink Fuzzy Animals. It is sheer coincidence that has me seeing the Ben's before the others. Sheer coincidence and nothing more.

And, I'll let you in on a little secret. I'm terrified of going to see Pink Fuzzy Animals. I'm worried that it will hurt to see the Ben's on stage singing the songs that I used to revel in during 100 Monkeys shows. I worry that behind my camera lens, tears will sneak down my cheeks. I'm worried those tears will blind me and inhibit my ability to get good photographs of the show. I'm worried that the magic will be gone. Above all, I'm worried that the loss of what 100 Monkeys had and might've come to have will be too much to bear. But I'm going to face those fears, and pray they don't keep me from having the best time I've had in months. I have faith that the Ben's and the new guys will not let me down.

For those who wondered why I kept my mouth shut thus far, I will admit it was not easy, and, in the end, my silence cost me. It caused me to lose followers on Twitter and likers on Facebook. It might have even caused some of my friends to pull away while I avoided debates about who was to blame and how angry everyone was. I won't lie and say it doesn't sting. It does. In the end though, I can't make you stay a fan of my work. If my silence drove you away, I apologize. Please know that my intention was simply to let the bedlam settle. Some of you may think that because I haven't said anything that I feel nothing. The opposite couldn't be more true. I am slapped in the face daily by the dissolution of the band. Call me a girl and an emotional ball of chaos, but I still cry over them weekly. And I miss those boys and the hopes and expectations I had for them as a group that have slowly withered and died over the last 90 days. It's been ugly, and I prefer to grieve in solitude. I'm sorry if that drove you away.  My hope for the future is that you will look back at the pictures I took at 100 Monkeys shows and be reminded of every emotion you felt while you were in their presence. It's what I do. It's what gets me through the rough spots.


Looking to the future, I firmly believe what I said before: what matters now is what we do from here.

So, for me, I'm going. I'm going to watch Pink Fuzzy Animals. I'm going to enjoy seeing a few of the guys and the friends I have made through them for the first time in over 9 months. And when it is all over, I will still be here. I'll still be standing precisely where I am, with the guys - all of them - and whatever creative endeavor they undertake. I hope you'll stand with me.